A Big Party

By Mike Jenkins

(from Issue 17)

       S' we decided to ave a Big Party

       t celebrate-a Big Society
       (it woz-a best way
       t get on-a telly).

       Better still, this bloke up-a street
       woz comin back from Afghanistan
       with a small wound on is leg,
       so summin else t celebrate.

       First time since-a Jubilee
       and even them Thomases Welsh Nat's
       Welsh-speakers never turned up 'en,
       sayd they'd come along this time.

       Ev'ryone ud be there cept Dirty Dick
       number 69 done f flashin
       all over-a local paper ;
       if ee come ee'd ave a good kickin.

       It woz all ready, booze n buffet
       (even cold pizza f'r the veggies),
       journalist from-a 'Merthyr' with a camra,
       but telly coverin a Big Orgy up-a Rhondda.

       Never seen tha soldier before,
       is mam wore a t-shirt sayin
       'MAM OF A TOTAL HERO',
       ee limped bard, toasted-a Queen;

       Thomases started complainin in Welsh,
       s' this eero Shane ee tells em -
       'Fuck off ome t wherever!'
       They jest sayd -'We woz born in Merthyr!'

       It did get better arfter tha,
       we ad a Big Cake we all shared
       and a Big Larf when some o the boyz
       pissed all over Dick's garden.

       Shane showed the kids is scars
       an got to autograph a few girlz t-shirts;
       it got barkin as the evenin wen on
       with Big Drinkin Competitions.

       Then Alan up-a road puts a dampener
       on the whool bloody evenin,
       stan's on-a table, one foot in-a cake remains
       an gives off t ev'ryone -

       'Big Fuckin Party!' ee shouts is ead off,
       'yesterday I gotta Big News,
       the Council's on'y laid me off
       an now I feel like a nobuddy!'

       Shane yells out - 'Yew should join the army!'
       Thomases start singin 'Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau',
       I done a Big Spew in-a drain
       an a Big Party become a Big Pandemonium.